When Motherhood Equates to Loneliness

motherhood, loneliness

Motherhood has been a part of my life since giving birth to our son. I never knew what it felt like before I gave birth. All I knew was that being a mother is about giving up that last piece of cake just so your child could have it. 

Motherhood brought light to my eyes

When I first learned I was pregnant, I was ecstatic, just like every woman. I started reading all about pregnancy: tips, food to eat and avoid, and what to expect. Seeing baby things got me excited about meeting my bundle of joy. 

I watched documentaries about babies and was very eager to learn how to parent my soon-to-be offspring. I talked to friends with babies and asked how they survived the nine months of carrying an infant in their bellies. 

When my belly got bigger and news spread about my pregnancy, I heard a lot of advice from experienced people. They shared their pregnancy journeys and what I should do should I encounter them too. 

When I got spottings, concerned people taught me what to do to protect the baby. I received a lot of love and support from families and friends. I was even shy of being a burden to the people around me. 

People congratulated me for having a bouncing baby boy after giving birth. Everyone in the family was very excited to share the good news with their friends and families. I was happy that people were excited to see my newborn. 

When my maternity leave was over, I resigned from my job. It was a choice I made because I wanted to be the primary caregiver of my infant. I want to be always there when he reaches his milestones every month

I wanted to be the one he calls unto when he needs love and care. I wanted to be the person to wipe off his tears when he falls. And I wanted to give him everything I could just to see him smile. 

Motherhood made me feel happy and blessed that I could enjoy caring for our little one without the need to work. But since I wanted to have income for myself, I decided to work from home. And so I did. Doing the two things I love the most, being a hands-on mother and writing, made me feel giddy. 

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Darkness filled the sky

“Why had I not done this sooner?”

It was the question I asked myself. Being able to work at home while enjoying motherhood was fantastic. I can earn money without having to commute to work.

I get to caress my baby while working. I can take my time if I want a breath of fresh air. Life with a newborn was good.

But soon, I realised that working alone at home has its downside. I found myself all alone even if there were times when I needed someone to talk to.

The people I used to talk to became very busy with their lives. They have work to fulfill and family to care for, and I understand them. I tried reaching out, yet all I got was a cold shoulder. I tried another day and received the same treatment. 

Days and weeks passed. Alas, I got tired. I stopped reaching out.

Maybe I really am not a part of their life anymore. At times I could not help but stare out into the dark sky. I kept thinking if I made the mistake of staying at home to care for my child. 

I kept thinking that maybe I was not worthy of their time. And that I might be just a passerby in their life. A character in their book whose role has ended: that is what I am. 

Being an understanding person has disadvantages. I thought that being one could get people to like me. However, I found out that it was the opposite. 

People think it was okay that they forgot my birthday, and some think it was okay for me to care for myself when I am sick. Others believe it was okay to ignore me because I am an understanding person. 

What people do not see is that strong people also need love and care. And that independent people also need people to talk to. Strong people also want to be remembered. And strong people strive hard to live every day to make everyone in their surroundings happy. 

The light amid the darkness

The days are dark, and the nights are cold. It is hard to be sane when you are always alone. Is this what they call postpartum depression? I certainly hope it is not a part of my motherhood. 

I stood up trying to balance everything in my hands. Caring for my baby, preparing meals and cleaning the house are all part of this journey. You also have to make sure to stay healthy and look good all the time. 

Life is hard when you are alone, especially if you have to navigate through motherhood for the first time. Yet I have to stay strong to ensure that everyone’s needs are met. 

There is only one thing I appreciate about being alone all the time. I learned to lean on God. He never fails even if mortals do. When we feel like our life is at the end, all we need is to call out to God. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Sometimes when I feel like giving up, I know that there is a God who will never ignore or forget me. And I am very happy because God has blessed me with a supportive husband and a lovely son.

Every motherhood journey is different, and I am utterly grateful for quite a few families and friends who accompany me as I walk through this new role. 

The times of loneliness are tough, but I know I can get through. People may come and go, but what matters is that I have become a part of their lives. Oh, and do not worry if you are too busy to respond to my messages, because, I understand. 😉

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