Broken and Tired

It is early Monday morning and I just feel so tired. I know many of us feels the same way. We dreaded Mondays. When the alarm went off today, all I could think of is, what? Is it Monday already? It seems that I didn’t even felt the weekends. It seems as if that they just went and passed by without me noticing them. Sigh. Tired. I remember having to snooze off at around 11 in the evening, but how come I still feel sleepy right now?

I know I could feel this almost everyday. But why is it that it feels rather too tiresome today. I am feeling sleepy, but apart from it, I know that deep inside of me, I could also feel the need to take a break. I think I need to go somewhere far away, away from all the stress and deadlines that’s been poking me from behind.

It feels weird. This is the first time in like, 3 years when I would listen to music this early in the morning, trying to control my feelings, my fears, and my sadness. This doesn’t feel right. I don’t know what’s best to do. To give up maybe? Or to still hold on? When I saw my face in the mirror awhile ago, I could notice my real feelings showing. I told myself to not feel anything. To stop myself from thinking about her. To let her go. Maybe, just maybe, this way, I could feel better. Better than yesterday, or the other day. I already cried my heart out, but why is it that I felt the pain again when I saw her with her new circle of friends? Maybe it’s about time to move on.

The pain still lingers on. No matter how much I want to keep it. No matter how I want them to be gone in an instant, they just don’t. How I wish I could tell her exactly what’s deep in my heart. But, no. I would rather keep everything bottled up. Because I know, and I could feel, that she is happier with them. 🙁

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

I do not know what God’s plan is in my life. But I know that whatever it is, it will always be for my own good. I love this friend of mine, but if God wants her out of my life, maybe, her purpose in my life is finally over. It will be sad and hurtful, but if it’s for the best, I would gladly accept it.

I know am feeling crazy right now. I could have said something that I have already written in the earlier blog, but I just want to write what’s in my heart.

I know it will take a long time to heal. But I know that no matter how many times this happens in my life, God will always be by my side, to hear my cries and woes, and to heal my almost always broken heart.

I love her and I don’t want her to be out of my life. Because I know that I have found a friend in her. And how I wish that we would be okay and get better the soonest. I pray that she would hear God’s word, and make her come back to us again. 🙂

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