Lonesome Loner

The weather is gloomy again today. As much as I want to enjoy the bed weather, I could only feel the coldness that it brings. Just like how it feels being alone in a big dark empty room, with nothing to hear but silence, nobody to see but your own shadow and a reflection from the window glass. And time is moving so slowly that it feels like it had stopped. I feel so down to the point that it feels like even my body’s immune system would not fight back had I inhaled a sickness causing bacteria. There are lots of things to do: I can play my favorite Tsum Tsum game on my phone, or I can watch Korean series, or I can read some novels, or I can even browse through Facebook or Instagram on my phone, but all I could think of doing is to lay down on the bed, and watch the white ceiling, wondering when will it turn yellow.

I couldn’t help but wonder, why am I still living in this life. Why do I have to continue waking up at 6 in the morning on weekdays and work? I mean, I can leave my work and stay here in this room all day, stare at nothingness and sleep when the sky is dark. Dark enough to cover the room and make me invisible to the naked eye. I could enjoy myself and some me time to make myself grow as a person. I could do it. Maybe it would be better for me to be this way. Maybe it is time for me to give up on the people who I think really cares about me. Who I thought might have some love for me. Who I thought, understands me because she knows what is deep in my heart. Who I thought would not judge me for my imperfections and lackings. Why am I still holding on? Do I even deserve it? I am not even sure if she still wants me in her life. Maybe, her chapter in my life is over? I am not sure.

I really don’t know what to do. All I can think of is to pray aside from voicing out to my other half and some friends (I only have a few who I really trust, because of some issues before). Pray that what I am feeling right now would vanish and pray to God to heal me, and my broken heart. I pray that God would help this person that I am talking about to become more understanding and I hope that she finds what she is looking for. Lately, I can feel that she is down too, for she thinks that she is being left behind by us (her previous group of friends). I pray that God would show her the light, and lead her to the path where God has made for her. And most of all, I pray that she will still be included in the list of cast in the story of my life. Because it will be too hard for me to digest, when the time comes when I am no longer a friend to her. No more feelings of love for me, but only acquaintance. I know that I am selfish, but I can never deny it, that she have been a big part of my life, or so I hope.

Matthew 10:22 – “And you will be hated by all for my name’s sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.”

I have encountered this kind of suffering, and pain of being left behind. Maybe I am not good at choosing friends, or maybe, I am just not that kind of person whom people would love and cherish. Many times have I felt this pain, but thanks be to God, for in times of sorrow, He is always there. In times of loneliness, He always listens. I know in time, everything will be healed. And every sad feeling will be gone. And it is all because of God.

Psalm 34:18 – “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

I would also like to thank my friends who are still beside me despite that I am rather selfish and self centered. For if without them to listen to my cares and dramas in life, where would I be in this life. Also, a big thanks to my partner for ever being patient too. I will keep on praying for you guys. I pray to God to bless you even more for your kind heart and ever big ears. 🙂